aye
should be doing homework but sat here typing this instead
anyway
life's been so boring lately, nothing much on, not doing much other than work. sometimes this gets me thinking, why? dad's been asking me for a day that he can take both of us out but i found myself telling him probably not yet, not done with my homework, alot more left to do. then everyday i find myself yet again wasting time, not following my plan and try to buck up, ending up either on the phone or ipad. i dont know why but it sucks it really sucks. it makes me feel so imcompetent, useless, hopeless.
i mean i dont feel that way just because i have alot of work and i'm lazy. i really am lazy when it comes to work. but i find it really strange why sometimes when you say you're gonna do something you just end up not doing it, and then coming up with an excuse as an effort to make yourself feel better? that kinda sucks.
honestly i want to do many things, but i just dont do it. and the excuse i give to myself? you're too busy, forget it you won't have time. well i think it sucks. i feel that this might not be only because of laziness, but a lack of confidence also comes in to play. we are always told to step out of our comfort zones, try new things, go new places, but we don't. well at least i somehow don't end up doing it. i personally find myself saying oh i wanna do this, wanna buy that, wanna go there, wanna try that... but no it never happens. and believe me or not this makes me really pissed with myslef and to a point where sometimes i hate mysef.
what if i had the confidence to do things i always wanted to do? what if i had the confidence to try new things? would life be any different?
change. change is something big that i'm afraid of. i want change but i don't have the confidence to. do you have that confidence? do you feel the same way as me, just that you are not afraid of a change? i urge you to go for that change, go out and do things, make your mark in this world, and not just sit down and talk about it, and never putting it into real actions. don't be afraid of change, embrace it.
xx
kel
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Saturday, December 13, 2014
update ; thoughts
well hello
finally got enough determination to post something!! just my thoughts though, actually written this when i was going through something earlier this year that i never really talked to anyone about. just thought i wanted to share it haha sorry if it seems like a rant!
I've realised something for a while now and it has been bothering me lately.
I honestly dont know how to put this into words but something just really bothers me.
Many people do not live. They survive. If you don't make it, you suffer.
Well yes, this may not be new to many. However this has become so common that it has been accepted as it is? This very fact irks me. Even more that people close to me do not know the purpose of their own life.
I've noticed that people i hold close don't live. They take it day by day, and survive everyday doing the same things, not wanting(or even willing) to put in the effort to make a change in their life, to live their life. Instead of wasting your time away, why not go out and do something good? Make a difference? People always tend to go for the temporary enjoyment. In the long run, are you really happy, doing what you are doing? Have you considered the consequences of your actions today that could impact you 10 years down the road?
I was once surrounded by all smiles, happiness and love. I regret today that i say i took it all for granted that it is all gone. Maybe that is why people stop living and start surviving. Maybe it is because people hate being taken for granted so they stop. Maybe it is because of the lost of this caring for others that people change. It sucks because its as though they lost their humanity.
Everyone wants the best, yes i agree. I understand the hunger for perfection. I have to admit that in this influence of society i hope for the best too myself. Its very hard to get the best of both worlds, not putting in effort but expecting the best - its not gonna happen. And then there's failure; you try hard hoping to soar up high, but the next minute you find yourself crashed onto the ground. Everyone has gone through failure, I have. And i know what it feels like. But aren't we taught to 'Never give up'? It may seem hard to pick yourself up from a fall, but you'll never be able to succeed if you don't. Maybe that is why many don't try again, they simply give in. If they try and try, but still do not get the best, they simply give up.
It hurts me to see that some people think of themselves as "failures" or "useless" just because of one fall. People have to realise they are worth much more than that. You are not simply defined just from one aspect, people need to realise this.
Stop hurting yourself and those close to you who treasure you. Stop surviving and start living.
xx
kel
finally got enough determination to post something!! just my thoughts though, actually written this when i was going through something earlier this year that i never really talked to anyone about. just thought i wanted to share it haha sorry if it seems like a rant!
I've realised something for a while now and it has been bothering me lately.
I honestly dont know how to put this into words but something just really bothers me.
Many people do not live. They survive. If you don't make it, you suffer.
Well yes, this may not be new to many. However this has become so common that it has been accepted as it is? This very fact irks me. Even more that people close to me do not know the purpose of their own life.
I've noticed that people i hold close don't live. They take it day by day, and survive everyday doing the same things, not wanting(or even willing) to put in the effort to make a change in their life, to live their life. Instead of wasting your time away, why not go out and do something good? Make a difference? People always tend to go for the temporary enjoyment. In the long run, are you really happy, doing what you are doing? Have you considered the consequences of your actions today that could impact you 10 years down the road?
I was once surrounded by all smiles, happiness and love. I regret today that i say i took it all for granted that it is all gone. Maybe that is why people stop living and start surviving. Maybe it is because people hate being taken for granted so they stop. Maybe it is because of the lost of this caring for others that people change. It sucks because its as though they lost their humanity.
Everyone wants the best, yes i agree. I understand the hunger for perfection. I have to admit that in this influence of society i hope for the best too myself. Its very hard to get the best of both worlds, not putting in effort but expecting the best - its not gonna happen. And then there's failure; you try hard hoping to soar up high, but the next minute you find yourself crashed onto the ground. Everyone has gone through failure, I have. And i know what it feels like. But aren't we taught to 'Never give up'? It may seem hard to pick yourself up from a fall, but you'll never be able to succeed if you don't. Maybe that is why many don't try again, they simply give in. If they try and try, but still do not get the best, they simply give up.
It hurts me to see that some people think of themselves as "failures" or "useless" just because of one fall. People have to realise they are worth much more than that. You are not simply defined just from one aspect, people need to realise this.
Stop hurting yourself and those close to you who treasure you. Stop surviving and start living.
xx
kel
Sunday, July 27, 2014
reminisce
so yesterday I followed dad back to grandpa's place for a short while. he watered the plants and got me to sweep the front porch.
as we drove up to the house, this sense of belonging came back to me so suddenly it almost made me tear up. its the second time back at the house after grandpa left and and the maid went home. something just felt so out of place, now knowing that the house is locked up and uninhabited. something didn't feel right just dropping by to water the plants and not even enter the house. obviously something did feel very wrong knowing that grandpa wouldn't hear the car driving up the porch and stand up to see us run in, and to welcome us into his home, or our home as he would call it, with a warm warm hug and a "hello wenting".
sometimes memories do come back and how i miss those happier and carefree days, how i regret not putting in the effort to visit him more often. as i was sweeping the porch, yes those memories came back as i looked over to where dad was watering the plants. i remember bro and i used to fight over who should water the plants, and how grandpa would just sit on his white porcelain elephant seat just watching us and sometimes telling one of us to give in. it really hurts me to realise now that grandpa did have such an enjoyable time watching us grow up, despite everything else that was being a bitch to him, he enjoyed every single moment he saw both of us happy. it was so unfair to him; i was unfair to him. he loved all of us more than we ever know but just looking back at how i didn't cherish him enough really makes me want to slap/punch/kick myself in the face.
the look on his face when i told him i almost got full marks for math exam, the look on his face when i told him i got first in class, the look on his face when i told him i was going to suzhou, the look on his face when i told him i got an A* in science, the look on his face when i told him my aggregate score and i was going to crescent, the look on his face when i told him i was going to be a leader, the look on his face when i told him i was going to laos, the look on his face when i told him i did well for my mid-years, the look on his face when i told him i was going to surabaya, the look on his face when i told him i was going to take triple 8... he would smile with his teeth that caused his eyes to go into a line and then pat me on my back saying "good job... good job... work harder ok?" and then something else in Cantonese that i never really understood. no one ever knows about this, not even bro, mum or dad; that encouragement that he gave me was essentially what drove me to be even better. it was what really encouraged me to do even better, to make him even more proud of me than he already was. deep down inside i knew he was proud of me, but it never really occurred to me how much that really mattered, until obviously too late. he never put it into words, but he was immensely proud of both bro and it kills me to think how important he put us, and how he wasn't the top of my priority list.
i am literally in tears when i think back to all this (yes in tears rn) and i feel as though i could rip my insides out just to have it all again. this is something i really hate about myself; it occurred to me i never really treasured my grandfather as much as he treasured me. i probably didn't love him as much as he loved me. i don't put things that matter in front of things that don't/can be made up for.
i hate myself for that.
i could kill just to hear it again,
"good job...good job... work harder ok? yeye is very proud of you. yeye is very proud of you."
i never got the chance to say it to you one last time, i love you
xx
kel
as we drove up to the house, this sense of belonging came back to me so suddenly it almost made me tear up. its the second time back at the house after grandpa left and and the maid went home. something just felt so out of place, now knowing that the house is locked up and uninhabited. something didn't feel right just dropping by to water the plants and not even enter the house. obviously something did feel very wrong knowing that grandpa wouldn't hear the car driving up the porch and stand up to see us run in, and to welcome us into his home, or our home as he would call it, with a warm warm hug and a "hello wenting".
sometimes memories do come back and how i miss those happier and carefree days, how i regret not putting in the effort to visit him more often. as i was sweeping the porch, yes those memories came back as i looked over to where dad was watering the plants. i remember bro and i used to fight over who should water the plants, and how grandpa would just sit on his white porcelain elephant seat just watching us and sometimes telling one of us to give in. it really hurts me to realise now that grandpa did have such an enjoyable time watching us grow up, despite everything else that was being a bitch to him, he enjoyed every single moment he saw both of us happy. it was so unfair to him; i was unfair to him. he loved all of us more than we ever know but just looking back at how i didn't cherish him enough really makes me want to slap/punch/kick myself in the face.
the look on his face when i told him i almost got full marks for math exam, the look on his face when i told him i got first in class, the look on his face when i told him i was going to suzhou, the look on his face when i told him i got an A* in science, the look on his face when i told him my aggregate score and i was going to crescent, the look on his face when i told him i was going to be a leader, the look on his face when i told him i was going to laos, the look on his face when i told him i did well for my mid-years, the look on his face when i told him i was going to surabaya, the look on his face when i told him i was going to take triple 8... he would smile with his teeth that caused his eyes to go into a line and then pat me on my back saying "good job... good job... work harder ok?" and then something else in Cantonese that i never really understood. no one ever knows about this, not even bro, mum or dad; that encouragement that he gave me was essentially what drove me to be even better. it was what really encouraged me to do even better, to make him even more proud of me than he already was. deep down inside i knew he was proud of me, but it never really occurred to me how much that really mattered, until obviously too late. he never put it into words, but he was immensely proud of both bro and it kills me to think how important he put us, and how he wasn't the top of my priority list.
i am literally in tears when i think back to all this (yes in tears rn) and i feel as though i could rip my insides out just to have it all again. this is something i really hate about myself; it occurred to me i never really treasured my grandfather as much as he treasured me. i probably didn't love him as much as he loved me. i don't put things that matter in front of things that don't/can be made up for.
i hate myself for that.
i could kill just to hear it again,
"good job...good job... work harder ok? yeye is very proud of you. yeye is very proud of you."
i never got the chance to say it to you one last time, i love you
xx
kel
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
hi there
so i wanted to have a platform to express my thoughts and stuff so this is it haha. basically i'll be updating stuff/ranting here so for those who are actually interested, :-)
and also i want to take the chance to thank all of you guys for your letters, gifts and birthday song today! thank you all so much i can't put it into words ♡
see you guys soon
xoxo
ps. apologies the blog looks pretty dull right now i'll get to decorating it sometime soon
xx
kel
and also i want to take the chance to thank all of you guys for your letters, gifts and birthday song today! thank you all so much i can't put it into words ♡
see you guys soon
xoxo
ps. apologies the blog looks pretty dull right now i'll get to decorating it sometime soon
xx
kel
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